All Guns Blazing ! A New Season is Upon Us.

Blogger: #14

Greetings! Welcome to the first ever blog post here at The Four Man Wall. Or the 2nd, assuming that sly fox #25 sneaked his up here first. In that case, you're probably one of the poor souls who, deprived of access to his soul stirring article owing to an unprecedented amount of traffic it generated, straggled into the backwaters of this fine blog. And my ability to stir souls is mediocre at best, so please do forgive me. We're just starting off. We're pretty innovative because we're a blog that talks about football. Yes, I'm quite serious about that. "Cool, but who in God's name are you?!" you may ask. I'm #14, poor joke maker and renowned idiot. If instead of "God", your earlier question had the word "Bergkamp" in it, then you and I are of the same faith, brethren (Arsenal, in case you’re a little slow on the uptake). And if you are willing to put yourself through a pain equivalent to having your eyeballs plucked out while being seated on a bed of red hot needles, read on.

Divine player. Not-so-divine editing.

Yet another season looms large. As always, we're on top of the table, given our superior thingummy when it comes to alphabetical order. As always, we arrive at this stage with our piss decidedly in the "OFF" state. What is new however, is that this time, we thought it'd be different. Sure, there'll be couple of sniggering I-told-you-so's amongst the Gooner populace, but they tell you so everything, don't they? So, long story short, Ivan Gazidis came out and beat his chest like a gorilla choking on a rather large piece of fruit about how we could actually spend some fucking money, we almost signed Higuain, Fellaini, Cesar, Williams, Bernard, Rooney, Suarez, Fabregas, Ginter, Grenier, Gustavo, Bender and actually ended up signing Sanogo. Smooth. As is always the case with Arsenal, players left. But, as is not always the case with Arsenal, we didn't want to keep any of these departures. Some of the finest bouts of diarrhoea would doff their hat at the exodus that has taken place at the Emirates. No, I don't have a girlfriend in case you're wondering. Yes, I'm interested, but you probably aren't wondering about that. Anyway, I digress, apologies for that, though I imagine you've dozed off by now. Imagine a bloke with about a million sweaters on who wanders outside the comfort of his home, only to realize that Spring is here (or summer, haha! No? Okay.), and he gleefully unwraps himself from this cocoon. Unfortunately, caught up in this fervour to let go of the past, he ends up standing out there in the open in his bare essentials. And that is where Arsenal's squad stand at the moment. The guy who came up with the word 'threadbare' must have had this squad in mind, I tell you. Streamlined is about the nicest thing you can say about the numbers and players must be signed if a top 4 finish is to be secured, let alone a title challenge. I'm available Arsene, just saying. Not too old. And cheap. And unknown.

Some of the eternally cheerful buggers who can't stand to hear a word against their club would point out the squad has quality. I agree. It is a fine squad, but it is a small squad filled with guys who could get injured by a gentle breeze. So, err, while it is a fine squad, it is a tiny squad, and a fragile one. Yes, sounds about right. Anyway up top, we have Olivier Giroud, who I really think can kick on this season. I wouldn't mind a Rooney or a Higuain or a Suarez, but I really have no qualms with having the HFB (Handsome French Bloke; he is pretty fucking gorgeous isn’t he?) as our main man. But him apart, we have no real established striker. Except Bendtner, but he's too good to play for us. Or anybody for that matter.  Yes, TGSTEL (The Greatest Striker That Ever Lived) is quite simply too above our level to bother playing with us mere footlings.

"Play football?! With you lot?! When I can do this instead? You've got to be joking!"

Sanogo and Akpom are raw, and I'm not convinced Theo and Podolski can serve as backups. Ideally, we'd get a big name in, otherwise, a good, steady backup wouldn't kill us. It's the midfield which worries me. We're lightweight. Rosicky, Arteta, Cazorla, Diaby, Ramsey, Wilshere. 3 guys with pretty poor injury records(Wilshere, Diaby,Rosicky), a guy recovering from a leg break(Ramsey), an aging warhorse(Arteta), and a pretty darn good footballer(Cazorla). I'd have loved a Fellaini in there. Big fan of the guy. He's got that physical presence that we've missed for so long, not to mention he can cover for the striker position as well. If we sign Gustavo by the time this post is up ( I'm an optimist deep down you see), then that goes some way to help ease my worries. (If he goes to Wolfsburg by the time you're reading this, I can't be arsed to change it, sorry). Ideally, I'd like a winger too. What with young Theodore trying to prove to the world that he is a striker, and Podolski just poddling along( I made that word up, and yes, he had a solid season despite that ankle injury, and he’ll probably ensure that I have egg on my face soon enough, but he hardly did set the stage on fire with dazzling wingplay now did he?), not to mention Cazorla’s tendency to play anywhere but on the wing, we’re missing a genuine chalk-on-the-boots type of player. We sold the only one we’ve got in Gervinho, and I fully understand that, but now we’re short of numbers there and need strengthening. But I know that Arsenal spending money this summer in itself is a bit of a miracle so I'm not crossing my fingers. Or holding my breath. We’ll play Gnabry or Ryo or the Ox( his performance against Milan in the middle of the park is still fresh in my head, reckon he’ll get more minutes in a central role this season).

Moving further back, you'll find a surprising lack of centrebacks. We've three top ones in Mertesacker, Koscielny and Vermaelen, although the skipper has looked a little off the boil in recent times. But apart from that, we've a startling paucity of options. Playing Sagna as 4th choice is a move I'm not averse to PROVIDED we sign a right back (he was magnificent at Sunderland). Jenkinson is great and all that, but let's face it, he's not all that great. Ideally though, we'd just stop trying to change players' positions and buy a centreback to play, err, centreback. Now Sagna is a major doubt for the Villa game, Vermaelen and Nacho are out for a goodish bit and really, the personnel we have at our disposal look like they’ve just returned from war, instead of getting ready for one. Ask any General worth his salt and he’ll tell you that things look a little gloomy on this front for the Arsenal.

Arsenal's trophy cabinet. Arsenal's Centreback collection

The keeper position is pretty average in terms of quality. At best. With Szczesny being a little shit last year, and Fabianski being a bit Flappyhandskian, we really could do with a first choice keeper. Julio Cesar has been linked with a move all summer, but somehow he reminds me too much of Govinda for me to take him seriously.

Left: Govinda. Right: Cesar
Uncanny resemblance

Please tell me you see it. Begovic or Al-Habsi would do just fine for me. Actually, a signing would be just fine. Cesar included. “Anyone but Almunia” is the motto I go by re. the keepers.

So there it is, my comprehensive and pretty shit analysis of the Arsenal squad for this season. I honestly believe with a few signings even at this late stage we can challenge, and despite the not so positive tone throughout the article (assuming you read it), I'd believe that anyway. Realistically though, this is a squad that reeks of top 4 mediocrity. We need numbers and quality, and we need them fast. For perhaps one last time, In Arsene We Trust.

Oh, you don't? Tell me about it in the comments section below. Please. I need your love. Even more so if you do. Middle ground is fine. Or some completely irrelevant bullshit about hot singles in my area dying to meet me ( I know y’all laughed at this one).
Thanking you,
Yours sincerely,
#14