The Four Man Wall FPL Tips Column - 1

We here at The Four Man Wall believe in delivering to our readers the very best insights on the addiction that is the Fantasy Premier League (FPL). However, we're all miserable at it. Every week one of us will take charge of our FPL team and recount how we fared and if possible impart our wisdom to the masses. We're going to be making a host of changes to the team every single week, so quite naturally we'll be disregarding the negative points. We are confident that our endeavours will reassure everyone that there are worse FPL players out there, and they all joined forces to create this apology of a team. Over to Blogger 18 for week 1.

Blogger #18:

So, fantasy football eh? The idea of being in charge of your own team. Start whom you want to start, drop whom you want to drop. Obsess over stats and future fixtures, check for injuries, and ignore homework and girlfriends. It’s great, isn’t it?

Gameweek One:

Do I bring in Van Persie? Is Dzeko an assured starter? Mata or Hazard? Who’s going to be this season’s Michu? Should I use my Wildcard? Even though the first GW is past us, I’m pretty sure you’re still racking your brain with these questions. How many of you had Coleman in your team? How many of you had him in your team and removed him in one of your pre-season reshuffles? If you did, then don’t worry, you’re not alone! Its part of the fantasy manager life and it’s not going to be the last time either.

#18's expert (lol) advice:

Who's In:

The fixture gods have been kind on Manchester City. They’ve been given a pretty easy start to the season and their next three games read Cardiff (A), Hull (H), and Stoke (A). A chance for easy clean sheets, bring in Zabeleta (6m), who could also pop in with some assists, or Lescott (5.5m). As for the attackers, it would probably be wise to wait and see who among them is going to get regular game time, let alone rack up points, under Pellegrini. Would you be brave enough to pick any, I’d advise Silva (9m) and Dzeko (7.5m), who Pellegrini has called his ‘main’ striker. The rest, wide berth.

Another team who’ve struck gold as far as the fixtures are concerned is Liverpool. Although they host Man Utd in two weeks’ time, its followed by Swansea (A), Southampton (H), Sunderland (A), Palace (H), Newcastle (A) and West Brom (H). Go for Toure (5m) if you need a cheap defender who guarantees points. If you’ve got the cash, cash in on Johnson or Enrique (both at 6m), preferably the former. Similarly, Mignolet (5.5m) was in the 1^st GW dream team. If Coutinho can continue where he left off from last season, he’s a bargain at 9m. For now, I’d advise picking him over Gerrard (9m). Yeah, I said it. And Liverpool seem to love the absence of Suarez. Or so say the stats. Sturridge (9m) should continue banging them in, and the jury’s still out on Aspas (7m). Go for him if you’re short on cash. 

Liverpool and Man City are not the only teams who’ve had it easy at the start. So’ve West Ham. Their next few fixtures go Newcastle (A), Stoke (H), Southampton (A), Everton (H) and Hull (A) before they face Spurs (A). If you don’t have Nolan yet, bring him in. Now, before you regret it later. Joe Cole (5.6m) might be a cheap yet dependable option for your bench and I’d place my bets on Jääskeläinen (5.5m) too. Cheap defenders are aplenty, and take your pick from O’Brien (5.5m), Collins (4.5m) and Reid (5m).

Arsenal don’t want an easy life. For themselves or you fantasy managers. An opening day thrashing at home to Villa doesn’t look good but to be fair, they missed Arteta and had bad luck with the red card. That can easily set it right with Fulham (A), Spurs (H), Sunderland (A), Stoke (H), Swansea (A) and West Brom (A) coming up for them. Don’t panic. Not yet. Hold on to your Arsenal players (Walcott (9.5m), Gibbs, Per Mer and Sagna (5.5m)). Watch out for transfers though. They’re rumoured to be in talks to sign Benzema and Di Maria. If that does go through, waste no time in selling Giroud (8.5m) who otherwise would be a very good bet.

Jumped on to the Ross Barkley bandwagon yet? No, I’m not insulting you. FPL is all about jumping on and off bandwagons. You just have to try and see them coming. At (4.6m), he comes cheap, and if his reviews are anything to go by (Tim Cahill has said Barkley is the best young talent he’s played with), what a buy he could be. But no gains come without pain, and Barkley could return to the bench once Darren Gibson returns from his injury. But with Fellaini (8.5m) linked with a move to Man Utd, he could be given serious first team action. Buy. But sell him STRAIGHT AWAY if it doesn’t work out, and you could beat the price drop. As for the other Everton players, buy Baines (7.5m) over Coleman (5.1m) if you feel the additional 1.9m is worth it for Baines’ set pieces. I don’t feel it is. Their fixture list looks easy enough, and barring the jarring Chelsea(H), their fixtures read Cardiff (A), Chelsea (H), West Ham (A) and Newcastle (H). I’d avoid Jelavic (7.5m) or Kone (7m) until I can figure out who Martinez prefers. As for midfielders other than Barkley, I’d strongly advise bringing in Mirallas (7.5m) over Fellaini (8.5m) or Pienaar(7m). Like Baines and Coleman, Mirallas will benefit from Everton changing to a back three and increased focus on building through the wings. Expect to see more dribbles and goals.

Who's Out:

Chelsea have had an easy DGW, and those of you who had the right Chelsea players must be delighted. However, with a trip to Man Utd (A) followed by a blank GW lying in wait, it’s time you started unloading them over the course of two weeks, preferably starting with the defenders. Hold on to Lampard or Hazard or Mata or De Bruyne (really?) if you have them, but the rest? Sell. If you’ve one of Torres, Ba, or Lukaku, I really can’t help you.

When a team’s manager comes out and moans about the opening fixtures, it would be wise to take his advice! And David Moyes wasn’t bluffing either. United’s fixture list for the next 4 games reads Chelsea (H), Liverpool (A), Crystal Palace (H), Man City (A).  The fixtures do ease up after that, but that’s for another day. 

But while on the topic of Man Utd, what about their Dutch striker? ‘RVP or not’ was probably each fantasy manager’s biggest decision. At 14m, he certainly doesn’t come in cheap. But you get what you pay for, and Persie guarantees you goals. Personally, I feel he’s worth the money. But, money saved by omitting him could certainly be invested to strengthen your squad on the whole. Your call.

Swansea can feel similarly hard done by, with every other game being Spurs (A), Liverpool (H), and Arsenal (H). Michu has been linked with a transfer out, and even otherwise Bony’s capture could see him play in a deeper role. If you already have him, don’t panic. But otherwise, I’d wait out the storm before turning to Swansea players.

The others and the rest. And some tips:

I can’t think high enough of Southampton, and I really feel they’re gonna comfortably finish in the top half. What does this augur for FPL? With players like Wanyama coming in to shore up the defensive aspect, Artur Boruc (4.5m) looks a great bet. Those of you who were clever enough (unlike me) to bring in Luke Shaw (4.6m) before his price increase, or otherwise, never sell! As for Lambert (7.5m), his place isn’t assured anymore with Osvaldo (8m) coming in. Don’t sell him yet though. He’ll still play the next few games as Osvaldo is eased in.They face Sunderland (H) followed by Norwich (A) and West Ham (H).

The promoted teams are always a good place to look for cheap players to populate your bench. Cardiff City provide you with a plethora of options with Bellamy (5.5m), Kim (5m), who as impressed in pre-season, and Whittingham (5m), who is their appointed set piece taker, to choose from. 

Aston Villa haven’t been granted any boons and after an insanely tough opening DGW, they travel to Liverpool, followed by a blank GW. Cheerful, isn’t it? Stay away from their midfielders and defenders. If you want Benteke (9.1m) and haven’t got him yet, I’d advise waiting until after the blank GW. 

Fulham’s purchase of Darren Bent (6.5m) makes it interesting for Berbatov (7.5m). Usually an assured starter, it will be interesting to see how Martin Jol accommodates Berbatov, Bent, Ruiz (5.9m), Duff (6m)and Taraabt (6m) in the same team. I wouldn’t advise buying anyone of them at the moment but if you already have, wait it out.  

Spurs aren’t done shopping yet. So, you can’t really pick any of their attackers for sure, except Soldado (9.5m). Although he doesn’t come cheap, he will start most of the games. If you can spare the cash, buy. At the other end Michael Dawson (5m) looks to be an assured starter, and could get you some clean sheets, with Tottenham facing Swansea (H), Arsenal (A), Norwich (H) and Cardiff City (A) over the next few weeks.

If you’re looking for marquee signings, and are willing to take the risk, I’d advise going for Adam Johnson of Sunderland (7m). He’s a crucial part of Di Canio’s plans for Sunderland and looked good on the opening weekend. Such signings could define your season and give you some unrivalled points from that one player your friends ignored.

As far as goalkeepers go, Boruc (4.5m), Mignolet, Jääskeläinen, and Begovic (5.5m) are good choices. I’d advise picking your goalkeepers early in the season, and sticking to them. Goalkeepers above 5.5m are really not worth their price, so I’d avoid the likes of Hart (6.5m), De Gea (6m), Lloris (6m) and Cech (6.5m). And try to pick two goalkeepers who play for teams close to each other geographically. For security reasons, the Premier League rarely makes such teams play their home games and vice versa on the same day or week. This way, you can be assured that at least one of your keepers play at home almost every GW. For example, Swansea and Cardiff City have alternating home and away fixtures EVERY GW.

Our team for GW 1

So, good luck for the rest of the year! Unless of course, you’re in my league.

Until later, 

Blogger #18

Will Tottenham Cock it up Again?

Blogger: #18

They tell me the new season’s already upon us. I mean, how would I know? It’s not like I have no life and pathetically empty weekends with nothing to look forward to but David Moyes’ astute transfers? (United fan here. GGMU. CR7 Rokz!) I guess this would mean we'll have to move from acknowledging other human beings, and the existence of our own parents or girlfriends (lol), basically from having a life, to, well, football. I'm #18 by the way, one of the lowlife cretins that runs this blog and your Spurrespondent for the day. (Don't groan yet, it gets worse).


But hey, if you're a Tottenham fan, you have every right to look forward to what looks like a very promising season. Most of the deadwood has been cleared out (read Bentley, Gallas, Dempsey) and newly appointed technical director Franco Baldini has overseen some very impressive signings (read Paulinho, Chadli, Soldado). Daniel 'Ironballs' Levy has done brilliantly to keep hold of Bale, or get £100M for him depending on the paper you read. But with great backing comes great expectations and Andre Villas Boas will be expected to spur (sorry couldn't resist) this side to the top four or maybe even have a shot at the title (I can see the optimistic Spurs fans nodding). The squad has shaped up well, notwithstanding further additions, and looks very impressive indeed. Even more so, if you compare it to Arsenal's.

Taking a quick look at the squad, Roberto Soldado has arrived from Valencia for a reported £26M. Jermaine Defoe can probably rest assured about his spot being under threat, but Adebayor will have to consider devoting a significant portion of his thoughts towards the match when on field, if he is to have any chance of competing for a spot in the starting 11.

Well, So far, so good.

Nacer Chadli, the 23 year old from FC Twente will add firepower to wings in the possible absence of a certain Welsh chap and if heights are an indicator of crossing abilities, he’ll be a lot better at it than Lennon, Chadli standing at just an inch over six foot.

In the center, (Arsenal fans look away) Capoue and Paulinho have arrived for a combined total of £25M, adding steel  and competition to a midfield that already contains the likes of Dembele and the returning Sandro. As for Parker, he’ll probably have to settle for a spot on the bench, or follow Huddlestone through the exit door.

So, no worries there either.

It’s in defense where Levy seems to have missed a trick. With Vertonghen injured, Kaboul just making his way back from injury, the sale of Steven Caulker to Cardiff City seems to make no sense. A product of the youth academy, here was a chance to build a local legend, someone who could stay at the club for life and captain club and country in the years to come. Say what you may, but that is the most romantic and heart-warming aspect of football. Just look at Nicholas Anelka. Or Christain Vieri. Well, now that’s gone through the window. While both Naughton and Capoue are capable enough to play stop-gap for the start of the season alongside Dawson, it was foolish to sell Caulker, that too without a replacement in hand. Spurs will probably return to a fairly settled back four when Vertonghen returns with him and Dawson/Kaboul flanked by Walker and Assou Ekotto.

Spurs born and bred (and betrayed)

But what about Bale? Gareth Bale? For all their quality, he is the only reason Spurs are even playing in the Europa League. For all the steel that Dembele and Sandro add to the midfield, Bale has been their only source of creativity in recent times. Holtby and Sigurdsson are no real playmakers and Tom Carroll is yet to fulfil his potential.  If and when we reach the end of what has been an overplayed saga, its verdict will have a huge impact on Spurs’ league fortune. The presence of Bale, or the cash that fills his absence, will provide to be a huge boost. Levy seems to have once proved to be an astute dealer in the transfer market and Spurs will profit no matter the outcome of the Bale saga.

While a title challenge might be touching the limits of optimism, a top 4 or even a top 3 finish looks highly plausible. Manchester United look clueless and dear rivals Arsenal seem to be resorting to their usual trick of not really strengthening much, and yet finishing in the top four.

But even if Spurs do find themselves in the heights of the table come Christmas, they’ve been found wanting in mental steel and experience on past occasions. Painful memories of continuously and narrowly missing out on that coveted Champions League spot will linger, but as Villas Boas with his managerial jargon would say, Spurs will have to incentivize and ruminate their thoughts towards the positives, and obliterate the negative statistics.

'It's incentivisize, not incentivize you moron!'

But no matter how the season pans out, I think Spurs fans will be reasonably pleased if they can avoid St Totteringham's Day this season. What say?

No more Blues for the Blues

Blogger: #25

There’re no points for guessing the most important thing to happen to Chelsea over the summer. That’s right, you didn’t guess it, Carlos Tevez’s departure. The little Argentine’s first match against Chelsea was a 1-0 loss while he was playing for the Hammers and his second, a 4-1 defeat in which he scored. Ever since that match, he has played the Blues 10 times and his worst result was a 0-0 draw and even then he came on in the 69th, sneaky little (former red) devil might have maintained a spotless record against us if he’d actually started that game. 8 goals, 1 assist and penalty scored in the shootout on that fateful night at Moscow. Ever since Cristiano’s departure, I’ve never been this relieved to see someone leave the league. (Some of you may throw the name ‘Fergie’ around, but more on that later)

Hopefully the last Carlos Tevez goal we'll concede

Getting to the other most important thing to happen to Chelsea over the summer. José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix a.k.a. José Mourinho a.k.a. The Special One a.k.a. The Happy One a.k.a. Two time UEFA Manager of the Year a.k.a. one of the elite managers who’ve won the champions league with two different clubs and the list goes on. He received a hero’s welcome on his return and why not, he deserves no less. Whilst the other clubs went into the market looking to strengthen their squad, we went out and strengthened our technical area . Andre Schurrle and Marco van Ginkel have been the only significant signings. More than the signings he made, I’m interested in the signings he didn’t make. Players returning from their loan spells around Europe aren’t returning on loan for a change (with the exception of Courtois). Michael Essien has always been a favourite of José’s and no doubt he’ll add some bite to that seemingly well rounded midfield. But it’s the Belgians who’ve got me rubbing my hands with anticipation. Kevin de Bruyne and Romelu Lukaku have performed for their respective clubs last season and I can’t wait to see what they can add to this squad. de Bruyne is a player similar to Hazard and the two of them on song and on the same wavelength can cause some serious defence to any premier league defence. In the few Werder Bremen game highlights that I’ve seen, Kevin de Bruyne has impressed. Making good runs, spotting passes and scoring the odd goal. And he’s done all that and more in the pre season games as well. Lukaku on the other hand has been touted as the next Didier Drogba. Now, I don’t know who actually does all this ‘touting’, but the people responsible have made some of the following comparisons in the past,

• Adel Taraabt → The next Zinedine Zidane (Yeah sure)
• Gareth Bale → The next David Beckham (Don’t know what they meant but at least he made it big)
• Carlos Tevez → The next Diego Maradona (In my experience as a Chelsea fan, more like the next Ronaldo, Henry, Shearer, van Nistelrooy, van Persie and a toothless Suarez)
• Lionel Messi → The next Diego Maradona (Good spot)
• Sergio Aguero → The prodigal Son (in-law) of Diego Maradona (Well played)
• Nani → The next Cristiano Ronaldo (Could see why this comparison was made)
• Adnan Januzaj → The next Cristiano Ronaldo (Although he claims that he plays more ‘Cleverly’)
• Anderson → The next Ronaldinho (Definitely)

There have been some discrepancies but hey, 5 out of those 8 players have made it big and by that I mean that they’re Champions League quality (and two out of the three odd ones out may very well get there one day and we all know which one won’t make it). Due to the same physical structure and a coach who likes to play that kind of striker, I think it’s alright to feel cautiously optimistic about Romelu Lukaku really becoming the next Drogba. Sure he doesn’t have Drogba’s pace or his uncanny ability to score at Wembley (yet) or his smooth dance moves.

Football's for pussies. Let's tango like real men

But he is a beast and despite being labelled a ‘physical’ league, defenders in our beloved Premier League (and sometimes goalkeepers too) aren’t particularly fond of playing against big forwards and that will help Lukaku shine.

Handling crosses is a piece of ca...

That being said, in Demba Ba, Torres and Lukaku, we have three strikers who have the can be fantastic on their day, just that those days are few and far between (how I’d love to see you three make me eat my own words), but we need consistency. A striker who’d score 25 or 30 goals for you season in, season out, at the risk of being repetitive, someone like Drogba. A Higuain or Cavani was just what the doctor ordered.

Chill. I got this. I know what I'm doing

However, José’s looking elsewhere for that striker. Seems hell bent on getting Wayne Rooney. At first I thought that he wasn’t the right option for us. But once Cavani went to PSG and Higuain to Napoli (another possible reason for us to hate Rafa), he seems to be the only player around that we could get for that role. We’d not only be getting a quality player, but we’d also be robbing one of our title challenging rivals of their attacking depth. Also, if he does move here, I’m pretty sure he’ll get to play as a proper Striker and may have to get used to not playing Left Wing, Attacking Midfield, Centre Midfield or even Goalkeeper (which an ardent united fan may remember the time he wanted to keep for a penalty against Portsmouth when United once lost both their keepers. Rio kept instead). Now that’s a very good thing, for I feel that he will combine well with the three Amigos who’ll play behind him which will comprise of Mata, Hazard and any one other player of the following list of Oscar, de Bruyne, Schurrle, Moses and even the master of the chip, Ramires (if absolutely required). Do your eyes not light up Master Wayne?

Finally, I’d like to touch upon the old foe of José’s whom I mentioned at the top of this post. Some neutrals may feel bad that they may never get to see José and Fergie square off ever again. Sure, Fergie’s retired, but does that really mean that he’s gone? Chelsea’s first game this season is against Hull City. A team led by Steve Bruce. I don’t know much about his career as a player, but as a manager, this guy always seemed to be there for his old boss Fergie. Don’t think it’s that much of a secret. During his Wigan days, handing Antonio Valencia to the Knighted one on a silver platter. A few years down the line at Sunderland, readily taking in some truly ‘top-class footballers’ from Man Utd, such as the Wes Brown and John O’Shea and being an eternal thorn on Chelsea’s side. Steve Bruce has led sides that have potentially ruined Chelsea’s title hopes, such as the 1-1 draw against Wigan at Stamford Bridge in 2008 and an hard to swallow 3-0 victory at Stamford Bridge for Sunderland where Nedum Onuoha scored a brilliant solo goal, something that’s unheard of up until and even after that one fateful evening. How many times have you beaten Fergie huh Bruce? Getting real tired of your loyalty Steve.

Let's give Chelsea some headaches. Yay!!

A week later, Chelsea go to the Theatre of Dreams to face the fans, coaches, backroom staff, succeeding manager and players, left behind by the great Scot Sir Alex Ferguson (won’t be doing the a.k.a.'s here). The only thing that will be different is that there won’t be a Scot who is at the ear of the fourth official and referees all through the game (only a significantly younger Scot maybe) and there may will not be any Fergie Time (because it’s Moysies’ Time. Ok I’ll stop). So despite all that’s happened, Fergie’s influence hasn’t really gone out of the league (at least not yet). Well, we’ll know how much his absence or partial absence will influence the dynamic of this title race for sure after a visit from Fergie’s underling and a visit to Fergie’s legacy in the first two weeks of the league. This year, if we go on to win our first 6 or 7 games (just like the past 3 or 4 seasons), I think we’ll stand a genuine chance to win the league because there are some genuine tests for us in the first few fixtures, so our fate seems to lie in the results of those few fixtures. I know that isn't the greatest piece of analysis you'll find on the net, but I refer to myself by a number, what did you expect? So if you agree or disagree or agree to agree or disagree to agree or agree to disagree or disagree to disagree with any of what I’ve written about, then please leave a comment about it.

until later

#25

All Guns Blazing ! A New Season is Upon Us.

Blogger: #14

Greetings! Welcome to the first ever blog post here at The Four Man Wall. Or the 2nd, assuming that sly fox #25 sneaked his up here first. In that case, you're probably one of the poor souls who, deprived of access to his soul stirring article owing to an unprecedented amount of traffic it generated, straggled into the backwaters of this fine blog. And my ability to stir souls is mediocre at best, so please do forgive me. We're just starting off. We're pretty innovative because we're a blog that talks about football. Yes, I'm quite serious about that. "Cool, but who in God's name are you?!" you may ask. I'm #14, poor joke maker and renowned idiot. If instead of "God", your earlier question had the word "Bergkamp" in it, then you and I are of the same faith, brethren (Arsenal, in case you’re a little slow on the uptake). And if you are willing to put yourself through a pain equivalent to having your eyeballs plucked out while being seated on a bed of red hot needles, read on.

Divine player. Not-so-divine editing.

Yet another season looms large. As always, we're on top of the table, given our superior thingummy when it comes to alphabetical order. As always, we arrive at this stage with our piss decidedly in the "OFF" state. What is new however, is that this time, we thought it'd be different. Sure, there'll be couple of sniggering I-told-you-so's amongst the Gooner populace, but they tell you so everything, don't they? So, long story short, Ivan Gazidis came out and beat his chest like a gorilla choking on a rather large piece of fruit about how we could actually spend some fucking money, we almost signed Higuain, Fellaini, Cesar, Williams, Bernard, Rooney, Suarez, Fabregas, Ginter, Grenier, Gustavo, Bender and actually ended up signing Sanogo. Smooth. As is always the case with Arsenal, players left. But, as is not always the case with Arsenal, we didn't want to keep any of these departures. Some of the finest bouts of diarrhoea would doff their hat at the exodus that has taken place at the Emirates. No, I don't have a girlfriend in case you're wondering. Yes, I'm interested, but you probably aren't wondering about that. Anyway, I digress, apologies for that, though I imagine you've dozed off by now. Imagine a bloke with about a million sweaters on who wanders outside the comfort of his home, only to realize that Spring is here (or summer, haha! No? Okay.), and he gleefully unwraps himself from this cocoon. Unfortunately, caught up in this fervour to let go of the past, he ends up standing out there in the open in his bare essentials. And that is where Arsenal's squad stand at the moment. The guy who came up with the word 'threadbare' must have had this squad in mind, I tell you. Streamlined is about the nicest thing you can say about the numbers and players must be signed if a top 4 finish is to be secured, let alone a title challenge. I'm available Arsene, just saying. Not too old. And cheap. And unknown.

Some of the eternally cheerful buggers who can't stand to hear a word against their club would point out the squad has quality. I agree. It is a fine squad, but it is a small squad filled with guys who could get injured by a gentle breeze. So, err, while it is a fine squad, it is a tiny squad, and a fragile one. Yes, sounds about right. Anyway up top, we have Olivier Giroud, who I really think can kick on this season. I wouldn't mind a Rooney or a Higuain or a Suarez, but I really have no qualms with having the HFB (Handsome French Bloke; he is pretty fucking gorgeous isn’t he?) as our main man. But him apart, we have no real established striker. Except Bendtner, but he's too good to play for us. Or anybody for that matter.  Yes, TGSTEL (The Greatest Striker That Ever Lived) is quite simply too above our level to bother playing with us mere footlings.

"Play football?! With you lot?! When I can do this instead? You've got to be joking!"

Sanogo and Akpom are raw, and I'm not convinced Theo and Podolski can serve as backups. Ideally, we'd get a big name in, otherwise, a good, steady backup wouldn't kill us. It's the midfield which worries me. We're lightweight. Rosicky, Arteta, Cazorla, Diaby, Ramsey, Wilshere. 3 guys with pretty poor injury records(Wilshere, Diaby,Rosicky), a guy recovering from a leg break(Ramsey), an aging warhorse(Arteta), and a pretty darn good footballer(Cazorla). I'd have loved a Fellaini in there. Big fan of the guy. He's got that physical presence that we've missed for so long, not to mention he can cover for the striker position as well. If we sign Gustavo by the time this post is up ( I'm an optimist deep down you see), then that goes some way to help ease my worries. (If he goes to Wolfsburg by the time you're reading this, I can't be arsed to change it, sorry). Ideally, I'd like a winger too. What with young Theodore trying to prove to the world that he is a striker, and Podolski just poddling along( I made that word up, and yes, he had a solid season despite that ankle injury, and he’ll probably ensure that I have egg on my face soon enough, but he hardly did set the stage on fire with dazzling wingplay now did he?), not to mention Cazorla’s tendency to play anywhere but on the wing, we’re missing a genuine chalk-on-the-boots type of player. We sold the only one we’ve got in Gervinho, and I fully understand that, but now we’re short of numbers there and need strengthening. But I know that Arsenal spending money this summer in itself is a bit of a miracle so I'm not crossing my fingers. Or holding my breath. We’ll play Gnabry or Ryo or the Ox( his performance against Milan in the middle of the park is still fresh in my head, reckon he’ll get more minutes in a central role this season).

Moving further back, you'll find a surprising lack of centrebacks. We've three top ones in Mertesacker, Koscielny and Vermaelen, although the skipper has looked a little off the boil in recent times. But apart from that, we've a startling paucity of options. Playing Sagna as 4th choice is a move I'm not averse to PROVIDED we sign a right back (he was magnificent at Sunderland). Jenkinson is great and all that, but let's face it, he's not all that great. Ideally though, we'd just stop trying to change players' positions and buy a centreback to play, err, centreback. Now Sagna is a major doubt for the Villa game, Vermaelen and Nacho are out for a goodish bit and really, the personnel we have at our disposal look like they’ve just returned from war, instead of getting ready for one. Ask any General worth his salt and he’ll tell you that things look a little gloomy on this front for the Arsenal.

Arsenal's trophy cabinet. Arsenal's Centreback collection

The keeper position is pretty average in terms of quality. At best. With Szczesny being a little shit last year, and Fabianski being a bit Flappyhandskian, we really could do with a first choice keeper. Julio Cesar has been linked with a move all summer, but somehow he reminds me too much of Govinda for me to take him seriously.

Left: Govinda. Right: Cesar
Uncanny resemblance

Please tell me you see it. Begovic or Al-Habsi would do just fine for me. Actually, a signing would be just fine. Cesar included. “Anyone but Almunia” is the motto I go by re. the keepers.

So there it is, my comprehensive and pretty shit analysis of the Arsenal squad for this season. I honestly believe with a few signings even at this late stage we can challenge, and despite the not so positive tone throughout the article (assuming you read it), I'd believe that anyway. Realistically though, this is a squad that reeks of top 4 mediocrity. We need numbers and quality, and we need them fast. For perhaps one last time, In Arsene We Trust.

Oh, you don't? Tell me about it in the comments section below. Please. I need your love. Even more so if you do. Middle ground is fine. Or some completely irrelevant bullshit about hot singles in my area dying to meet me ( I know y’all laughed at this one).
Thanking you,
Yours sincerely,
#14