Guys who look better than me XI vs Guys who look much better than me XI

Blogger: #14

Ahoy there! So like any self respecting football blog we decided to make a list of hot footballers and a list of ugly footballers. One of us (#25) got a brainwave and said, "Hey! Let's make a Hot Footballers XI vs an Ugly Footballers XI, and then try to determine who wins!". So this is the first in a series of such posts. Our aim is to make the teams as evenly matched as possible. So an uglier, shit player may not make the team, as the slightly more handsome, not-so-shit player makes it a more even contest. So guys like Peter Crouch and Ryan Shawcross, who are often considered frontrunners for roles such as that of the troll in Harry Potter do not make the cut. ALSO, in the hot guy XI, we've not put in the usual Ronaldos, Kakas, Beckhams. Hopefully, we garner some female attention with this little venture of ours. I was assigned the task of writing this up because I look worse than anyone else mentioned here and hence my objectivity can be trusted.

"What do you mean I'm not in the hot team?!"

So we start off with the Guys Who Look Better Than Me XI (GWLBTM-XI) then.

Goalkeeper: Brad Friedel.
Club: Tottenham Hotspurs
Nationality: American.

When you look like a friendly version of Kane, you're bound to not make the front of magazine covers. He's a fine 'keeper is Brad, and is playing to get funds for this football soccer school he's starting. But methinks nobody will let their kids be coached by a face only a Spurs fan could love.

"I'm going to chokeslam you......onto a pillow"

Left Back: Giorgio Chiellini

Club: Juventus

Nationality: Italian

Now, I know he's not a left back but he can and has played there. Not to mention he's a pretty good defender. However, his favourite childhood pastime of squashing his face against a wall has somewhat ruined his once handsome features.

"Giorgio see wall....Giorgio smash wall"

Centre Back: Dante Bonfirm Costa

Club: Bayern Munich

Nationality: Brazilian

Okay, he's one of the best centre backs in the world right now. He also looks like....um....well...like...

LIKE THIS!!!

Centre Back: Pepe

Club: Real Madrid

Nationality: Portuguese

Not only is Pepe offensive looking, he is also err...offensive. Not a nice guy. Pretty good defender, but a big meanie on the football pitch. Years of being laughed at for that face of his probably scarred him so I really shouldn't be judging.

"Yes, I am very happy to have broken his leg, it was a soft challenge, but he was weak."

Right Back: Dani Alves

Club: Barcelona

Nationality: Brazilian

Okay, to me Dani Alves looks like one of them truck drivers who transport illegal goods across the border from the USA to Mexico. #18 disagrees. He says he clearly resembles the ones going from Mexico to USA. Either way, we agree that's not a compliment.

"Necessito enviar los referees a Barcelona, hombre"

Centre Midfield: Cheick Tiote

Club: Newcastle United

Nationality: Ivorian

Tiote is one of those players you can go to war with. A real midfield battler. Unfortunately, he looks like he's just been to a war. Or two. Or ten.

After war #6

Centre Midfield: Luka Modric

Club: Real Madrid

Nationality: Croatian

Luka Modric is a fantastic player, a real beast of a footballer. He also looks almost exactly like Johan Cruyff. Unfortunately, that is NOT how you'd want to resemble the great man. He doesn't do himself any favours with that shit haircut either, does Luka.

Luka's face when he realised he was leaving Tottenham and going to Madrid

Left Wing: Franck Ribery

Club: Bayern Munich

Nationality: French

Now, we know that Ribery's scars are because of a massive accident he suffered when he was just two years old. However, it is pretty obvious that it didn't seriously damage his looks. He is still pretty ugly. Yes, I am mean......

....but I am correct.

Right Wing: Gervinho

Club: Roma

Nationality: Ivorian

His face isn't actually too bad. However, that weird wig he wears ensures that nobody will ever look at his face. That is a Forehead for the ages. That is an Eighthead.

Not photoshopped

Attacking Midfielder: Wayne Rooney

Club: Manchester United

Nationality: English

Wayne Rooney is the talisman of Manchester United. He's a great player and all that. But if you look like an animated green ogre, you will be walking into most people's list of ugly footballers.

Shrek Rooney playing for Manchester United

Forward: Carlos Tevez

Club: Juventus

Nationality: Argentine

Another one who's been scarred for life. Another one who's been scarring us for life. Pity he left United, Rooney and he could have made a deadly duo.

Tevez's reaction when Fergie retired

Right, so that's over (Phew).

Now we move on to the Guys Who Look Much Better Than Me XI (GWLMBTM-XI). Ladies/Lady/Guy who looks kinda like a girl/Gay guys brace yourselves.

Goalkeeper: Iker Casillas

Club: Real Madrid

Nationality: Spanish

He's a Real Madrid legend. He's a Spain legend. He has a hot girlfriend (so hot). He's called 'The Saint'. He's treated like a God in Spain. He also happens to be a Greek one.

Hubba Hubba

Left Back: Vedran Corluka

Club: Lokomotiv Moscow

Nationality: Croatian

Okay, so he's not the biggest name out there. But look at him, I mean, look at him. Just.....

...look at him *drool*

Centre Back: Mats Hummels

Club: Borussia Dortmund

Nationality: German

In my opinion, he is the hottest footballer in the world. Before anyone calls me gay, here's why

If looks could kill.......or stop strikers

Centre Back: Neven Subotic

Club: Borussia Dortmund

Nationality: Serbian

While not quite as dashing as his partner, Subotic certainly does turn heads. That natty French beard doesn't hurt one bit. Unless you're a striker (not quite sure how it would hurt then either, but let's just ignore that).

The hottest puppy dog face in the world.

Right Back: Sergio Ramos

Club: Real Madrid

Nationality: Spanish

He can't take penalties, sure. But he certainly can take your girlfriend's heart *weeps into pillow at this point for not having one*. He can also take your girlfriend *weeps into pillow for not having one again*.

*weeps into pillow for not being his girlfriend*

Centre Midfield: Mikel Arteta

Club: Arsenal

Nationality: Spanish

We Arsenal fans say he's got perfect hair. It hardly ever looks out of place. Well, he's got the perfect face, the perfect eyes, the perfect nose, the perfect wife, the perfect everything. A tad old, but his looks will still knock you cold (KILL ME NOW).

"I'm not even trying to look intense."

Centre Midfield: Cesc Fabregas

Club: Barcelona

Nationality: Spanish

Think boyishly handsome Spanish guy who can play a bit of football and who comes to your mind? Cesc Fabregas. Some people (not me this time, I swear), would describe him as quite cescy. Others (okay, this time I'm guilty), refer to him as......

SEX FABREGAS!!!

Left Wing: Marco Reus

Club: Borussia Dortmund

Nationality: German

He's got this lady killer look about him, doesn't he? That blond hair crafted in that funky hairdo (I swear, I am not gay), that perfectly chiseled face. They call him the Rolls-Reus because of his silky moves on the pitch. Pretty sure he can be as smooth off the pitch too

The other half of Donald Duck melted

Right Wing: Jesus Navas

Club: Manchester City

Nationality: Spanish

He's named after the Son of God, and well, his looks certainly fit the bill. Those eyes look like they've been cut out of glaciers. His homesickness is just...well, cute *cringes*.

He wants to go home. With you. Swoon you mere mortal.

Attacking Midfielder: Francesco Totti

Club: Roma

Nationality: Italian

Totti is a god in Rome. He's a Roman God. I'm tempted to use the "looks like a Greek God" line again, but I shall refrain from doing so. If loyalty had to be a person, it'd be Totti. Also, you'd start calling loyalty sexy.

The King of Rome

Forward: Olivier Giroud

Club: Arsenal

Nationality: French

Arsenal fans call him the HFB (Handsome French Bloke). He's started to score a lot more on the pitch, I'm pretty sure he always scored a lot off it. Just look at him, imagine him talking to you in that droolworthy French accent of his. Sorry, mancrush here. And well....

Can you blame me?

Just to recap..

Guys Who Look Better Than Me XI :

--------------------------------------------------Friedel-----------------------------------------------------------

----------Dani Alves---------Dante---------------------------Pepe-----------Chiellini---------------------------

-------------------------------Tiote--------------------------Modric----------------------------------------------

-----------Gervinho-----------------------------Rooney----------------------Ribery-----------------------------

--------------------------------------------------Tevez------------------------------------------------------------

Guys Who Look Much Better Than Me XI:

------------------------------------------------Casillas-------------------------------------------------------------

-----Sergio Ramos---------Subotic----------------------Hummels---------Corluka----------------------------

----------------------------Arteta-------------------------Fabregas-----------------------------------------------

---------Navas-------------------------------Totti---------------------------Reus--------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------Giroud--------------------------------------------------------------

Which team do you think will prevail? I vote hot team 2-1.
#25: Hot team 2-1
#7: Draw 1-1
#18: Draw 2-2

Drop a comment. Or your pants for some of them. Fun fact: I actually think I'm funny. See? You laughed now.

Thanking you,

Yours sincerely,

#14