There is reason to live once again, now that the dreadful international break is over. As I'm counting down the seconds to the Liverpool Newcastle game's kickoff, I get distracted and I start counting something else. Then one thing leads to another and before I know it, I'm writing an article and I'm typing "before I know it, I'm writing an article and I'm typing "before I know it.....
That went on for awhile, but finally, I managed to get started with something readable.
A few weeks ago, #14 endeared himself to all the ladies that he knew by posting a Hot XI vs a Not-So-Hot XI. This is another article along those lines, but it's not going to get anyone's libido humming so you don't have to worry about your parents walking in on you carefully observing pictures of hot men.
A Commentator's Dream XI vs A Commentator's Nightmare XI is what I'm going to call it.
One team full of players whose names are so easy to pronounce that they may very well be the first sound you made when you were an infant. On the other side, we have players whose sadistic parents spent days on end to come up with the most complicated of names to give their peers' vocal chords a real workout.
I'm only going to gauge the difficulty or simplicity in pronouncing the surname of a player and not his full name and the difficulty and simplicity is going to be predominantly based on the number of syllables in the name with certain difficult character combinations settling ties. Unlike #14, I'm just looking for players who have difficult to pronounce or easy to pronounce names and nothing else. If there are two players who seem to have names that are just as simple/difficult to pronounce, then I'll pick the better one, because this is after all a competitive game (hypothetically). Last but not least, all these players are from the Premier League only as I struggle to spell, pronounce or read names of players playing in other parts of Europe such as Jakub <Enter Last Name here>.
RB: Cesar Azpilicueta:
Spanish has always been a language with a few complicated words in its dictionary. People in Cesar's bloodline must be the same people who came up with difficult to pronounce Spanish based words such as Conquistador, but its clear that they saved the best tongue twisters for their family.
CB: Per Mertesacker:
The lanky German has a last name that's as long as he is. Funny how if this entire process was carried out with just the first name, Mertesacker would be playing for his opponents today.
CB: Fernando Amorebieta:
The Spanish stopper seems to have a father or a set of forefathers who've given him a surname of four different fathers. If you thought that this was bad, Fernando Gabr Mardaras Amorebieta is his full name. With a name that tricky to write and pronounce, it's a good thing that Fulham started all of his paperwork early in the summer because they needed it.
LB: Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa:
With a name like that, it was rumored that Newcastle tried to find a simpler nickname for him before they even sent him in for a medical. Priorities. He can play anywhere across the back four so he fits into the left back role here.
DM: Steven Nzonzi:
This is a player who really gets the fans and commentators buzzing whenever he's on the ball. But it's more due to the pronunciation of the 'Z's in his name rather than in anticipation of what he's going to do next.
DM: Fernandinho:
It's a well known fact that Brazilians have huge and long winding names and they're given shorter names to be used in day to day life. But whoever gave Fernando Luiz Roza the name Fernandinho didn't really think twice.
RAM: Morgan Amalfitano:
The Albion winger has been given a name that twists and turns your vocal chords just as he twists and turns your team's wide playing defenders. This man has become a permanent fixture in Steve Clark's side much to the dismay of whoever has to print out their matchday shirts.
CAM: Gylfi Sigurdsson:
Icelandic names are probably the worst amongst all of the types of Scandinavian names. Ever since Eidur Gudjohnsen, we've only had one Icelandic player in the league, but that in itself is a mouthful to write, type or say.
LAM: Gabriel Agbonlahor:
Once upon a time hailed as England's next best thing, the wide man has fallen out of England contention. But he's made sure that nobody forgets his claim to fame with a name to maim.
ST: Ricky van Wolfswinkel:
The Norwich City frontman has been called O Lobo (the Wolf) and HatRicky in the past. No offense, but these nicknames seem to be given more for the sake of convenience rather than a sense of fondness from the fans.
The England No.1 is not only the first name on the teamsheet before every game because he's the goalkeeper. It probably has something to do with a name that simple.
RB: Nathaniel Clyne:
The Saints have a great production line of talent with players like Bale and Walcott coming out of their ranks. Clyne seems to be a promising player and may be more like Bale in terms of fulfilling his potential, but is certainly like Bale in terms of the simplicity of his name.
CB: David Luiz:
Sideshow Bob aka David Luiz has been talked about a lot since his arrival from Benfica. This may not have been that much of a trend had his parents been more generous in terms of the length of his name.
CB: Winston Reid:
It's usually the common names that are the simplest to pronounce. Or the simplest to pronounce names are that easy to pronounce because they're so common. Regardless of whether the egg came before the chicken or vice versa, Winston Reid has an extremely simple name and is a no brainer for this team.
LB: Razvan Rat:
I sure hope for his own sake that he wasn't in an English medium school because a name like that is an open invitation for a shot at that name.(Here, I'd like to add that #14 deplores my reluctance to use pronouns, but I don't give a Rat's ass). But his name is a word that we learn to say when we've just joined school, so no surprise that he makes this team.
DM: Leroy Fer:
A lot of commentators must be thanking their lucky stars that a player who probably touches the ball the most in a game has a name that's smaller than a single stud on his boots.
DM: Fabian Delph:
Fabian Delph has quietly gone about his work and has snuck into the Villa starting 11. He certainly had a lot of help with that name.
RAM: Nani:
Hindi word for Grandmother. Name of a talented winger. 'Nuff said.
CAM: Bryan Ruiz:
Ironic how two Spanish names had players right at the top of the previous list and how the same language provides us with a silky smooth name for a silky smooth player.
LAM: Damien Duff:
The Irish are stereotyped as a bunch of people who can't stop drinking. If you're drunk, you're gonna need names that are easy to pronounce despite slurring of speech and lo and behold, Duff.
ST: Demba Ba:
When was the last time we had a player who's got a shirt number that's longer than the name on his shirt? He must have some confusing moments if he'd been in and around people whose names have a B-A in them. Like BA-rtholemew or BA-rthez or even Drog-BA.
With that the two teams have been populated and I'll summarize the teams for you one more time before we get into predictions.
Commentator's Nightmare Team:
Commentator's Dream Team:
Our Predictions:
#7 - 2-0 to the Dream team
#14 - 1-0 to the Nightmare team
#18 - 2-1 to the Dream team
#25 - 2-1 to the Dream team
And that's it from me for now. If you feel that this entire article has been useless and that I'm dyslexic, then free feel below comment too,
Later 'Til
25#
That went on for awhile, but finally, I managed to get started with something readable.
A few weeks ago, #14 endeared himself to all the ladies that he knew by posting a Hot XI vs a Not-So-Hot XI. This is another article along those lines, but it's not going to get anyone's libido humming so you don't have to worry about your parents walking in on you carefully observing pictures of hot men.
A Commentator's Dream XI vs A Commentator's Nightmare XI is what I'm going to call it.
One team full of players whose names are so easy to pronounce that they may very well be the first sound you made when you were an infant. On the other side, we have players whose sadistic parents spent days on end to come up with the most complicated of names to give their peers' vocal chords a real workout.
I'm only going to gauge the difficulty or simplicity in pronouncing the surname of a player and not his full name and the difficulty and simplicity is going to be predominantly based on the number of syllables in the name with certain difficult character combinations settling ties. Unlike #14, I'm just looking for players who have difficult to pronounce or easy to pronounce names and nothing else. If there are two players who seem to have names that are just as simple/difficult to pronounce, then I'll pick the better one, because this is after all a competitive game (hypothetically). Last but not least, all these players are from the Premier League only as I struggle to spell, pronounce or read names of players playing in other parts of Europe such as Jakub <Enter Last Name here>.
 |
| Kuba - I'd call him this over Blas..........i anyday |
The Commentator's Nightmare XI:
GK: Jussi Jääskeläinen:
This man is the longest serving foreign goalkeeper in the Premier League and he's been playing since 1997 up until now. That's a Finnish name that probably includes the names of all the people in his bloodline.
 |
| I'm in the team Bitches |
RB: Cesar Azpilicueta:
Spanish has always been a language with a few complicated words in its dictionary. People in Cesar's bloodline must be the same people who came up with difficult to pronounce Spanish based words such as Conquistador, but its clear that they saved the best tongue twisters for their family.
 |
| Azpilicueta is a good choice. I heard he's a brilliant player. *Subtlety* |
CB: Per Mertesacker:
The lanky German has a last name that's as long as he is. Funny how if this entire process was carried out with just the first name, Mertesacker would be playing for his opponents today.
 |
| Good luck saying my name right on your first try |
CB: Fernando Amorebieta:
The Spanish stopper seems to have a father or a set of forefathers who've given him a surname of four different fathers. If you thought that this was bad, Fernando Gabr Mardaras Amorebieta is his full name. With a name that tricky to write and pronounce, it's a good thing that Fulham started all of his paperwork early in the summer because they needed it.
 |
| Say my name right or else... |
LB: Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa:
With a name like that, it was rumored that Newcastle tried to find a simpler nickname for him before they even sent him in for a medical. Priorities. He can play anywhere across the back four so he fits into the left back role here.
 |
| Bring on the mispronunciations. I'm ready |
DM: Steven Nzonzi:
This is a player who really gets the fans and commentators buzzing whenever he's on the ball. But it's more due to the pronunciation of the 'Z's in his name rather than in anticipation of what he's going to do next.
 |
| Zzz zzz mothafuckas' |
DM: Fernandinho:
It's a well known fact that Brazilians have huge and long winding names and they're given shorter names to be used in day to day life. But whoever gave Fernando Luiz Roza the name Fernandinho didn't really think twice.
 |
| You can't touch this |
RAM: Morgan Amalfitano:
The Albion winger has been given a name that twists and turns your vocal chords just as he twists and turns your team's wide playing defenders. This man has become a permanent fixture in Steve Clark's side much to the dismay of whoever has to print out their matchday shirts.
 |
| Print This! |
CAM: Gylfi Sigurdsson:
Icelandic names are probably the worst amongst all of the types of Scandinavian names. Ever since Eidur Gudjohnsen, we've only had one Icelandic player in the league, but that in itself is a mouthful to write, type or say.
 |
| That's not how you spell my name |
LAM: Gabriel Agbonlahor:
Once upon a time hailed as England's next best thing, the wide man has fallen out of England contention. But he's made sure that nobody forgets his claim to fame with a name to maim.
 |
| Lemme hear you say Gabriel Agbonlahor! |
ST: Ricky van Wolfswinkel:
The Norwich City frontman has been called O Lobo (the Wolf) and HatRicky in the past. No offense, but these nicknames seem to be given more for the sake of convenience rather than a sense of fondness from the fans.
 |
| City van Wolfswinkel |
The Commentator's Dream XI:
GK: Joe Hart:The England No.1 is not only the first name on the teamsheet before every game because he's the goalkeeper. It probably has something to do with a name that simple.
 |
| Hart plays with Heart |
RB: Nathaniel Clyne:
The Saints have a great production line of talent with players like Bale and Walcott coming out of their ranks. Clyne seems to be a promising player and may be more like Bale in terms of fulfilling his potential, but is certainly like Bale in terms of the simplicity of his name.
 |
| My name is Clyne and Imma' runnin' down the line |
CB: David Luiz:
Sideshow Bob aka David Luiz has been talked about a lot since his arrival from Benfica. This may not have been that much of a trend had his parents been more generous in terms of the length of his name.
 |
| Bob. Sideshow Bob. |
CB: Winston Reid:
It's usually the common names that are the simplest to pronounce. Or the simplest to pronounce names are that easy to pronounce because they're so common. Regardless of whether the egg came before the chicken or vice versa, Winston Reid has an extremely simple name and is a no brainer for this team.
 |
| Winston Reid asking for some Winston Red |
LB: Razvan Rat:
I sure hope for his own sake that he wasn't in an English medium school because a name like that is an open invitation for a shot at that name.(Here, I'd like to add that #14 deplores my reluctance to use pronouns, but I don't give a Rat's ass). But his name is a word that we learn to say when we've just joined school, so no surprise that he makes this team.
 |
| Why do you guys keep laughing whenever someone calls out my name? |
DM: Leroy Fer:
A lot of commentators must be thanking their lucky stars that a player who probably touches the ball the most in a game has a name that's smaller than a single stud on his boots.
 |
| Wait. This isn't the Hot team? |
DM: Fabian Delph:
Fabian Delph has quietly gone about his work and has snuck into the Villa starting 11. He certainly had a lot of help with that name.
 |
| I got the moves like Jagger |
RAM: Nani:
Hindi word for Grandmother. Name of a talented winger. 'Nuff said.
 |
| I got more abs than letters in my name |
CAM: Bryan Ruiz:
Ironic how two Spanish names had players right at the top of the previous list and how the same language provides us with a silky smooth name for a silky smooth player.
 |
| cRuizing along |
LAM: Damien Duff:
The Irish are stereotyped as a bunch of people who can't stop drinking. If you're drunk, you're gonna need names that are easy to pronounce despite slurring of speech and lo and behold, Duff.
 |
| I sure could do with a pint |
ST: Demba Ba:
When was the last time we had a player who's got a shirt number that's longer than the name on his shirt? He must have some confusing moments if he'd been in and around people whose names have a B-A in them. Like BA-rtholemew or BA-rthez or even Drog-BA.
 |
| There ain't no masking my class yo' |
With that the two teams have been populated and I'll summarize the teams for you one more time before we get into predictions.
Commentator's Nightmare Team:
Commentator's Dream Team:
Our Predictions:
#7 - 2-0 to the Dream team
#14 - 1-0 to the Nightmare team
#18 - 2-1 to the Dream team
#25 - 2-1 to the Dream team
And that's it from me for now. If you feel that this entire article has been useless and that I'm dyslexic, then free feel below comment too,
Later 'Til
25#
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